Charlie Davis, a highly supportive friend who witnessed the break up of his two best friends tells us his experience of how going from a mental attitude of defeat to one of optimism can completely change our present situation, and therefore the future. This is his story in his own words of seeing the contrast between how his friends Lisa and Ed responded differently to their breakup. Although they started in the same situation, they were in completely different places a year on.
Ed, Lisa and I met at school and instantly became friends. A few years later during University, they both surprised me with the great news of them dating. I was cheering for them as I often sensed a connection between them.
However, two years ago I noticed something was off between them. I openly inquired but they assured me that everything was fine – so I thought nothing of it. Every Christmas a group of friends and I go to a cabin at the beginning of December to reconnect and welcome the holidays. However, this year the focus was primarily centred on Lisa and Ed having an argument and both departing early; we were told they decided to end their 10-year long relationship a few days after.
As Lisa lived near me, we had always walked our dogs together in the morning but now, as you would expect, our conversations hovered around me being a supportive friend. Although I knew she had gone through a hard time, I could no longer stand her complaining and bitterness. For months on end, no matter how hard I would try to distract her by speaking of the lovely weather, good news around the world or exciting plans for the future, she always brought the conversation back to Ed and how he's already dating, getting into shape and started pursuing a career he's passionate about. She was holding onto bitter memories and the past was consuming her days and nights.
Like Lisa, Ed also went through a patch where he felt drained, bitter and negative. However, despite being in the same situation as Lisa, he decided to cut his losses and make the situation better. As he was now single, he felt he had fewer commitments and therefore more time. He started a new workout plan at the gym, started learning for a career change and took a few solo vacations for personal growth. Whenever I would speak to him, he would still remember what he went through but he was in a much better place compared to Lisa as he realised the world was abundant and regardless of what happened, he had the ability to plough through to brighter times. I admired Ed's philosophy for keep on moving forward regardless of his feelings in the current situation.
On a sunny day, while Lisa and I were walking our dogs, I could not take her complaining and told her that she must forget about the past and move on. Her breakup was just a bad experience and not a life sentence. And if she wanted, she could take this as an opportunity for growth and exploration – of herself and the world. She immediately went silent and told me she never knew I felt like that about her situation. This created a bit of turbulence in our relationship but after a few weeks, she admitted that she had agonised over her relationship for far too long. Yes, she had spent 10 years with him but nothing could bring that time back. So why waste any more time? This realisation got her busy and she realised she needed therapy. The small step of reaching out for professional help was one of the steepest learning curves of her life. And I am happy she stuck through it!
This was over a year ago and I am relieved to say that both Lisa and Ed are doing great. Although Lisa needed extra help from therapy, they both took action to make the situation better, learn new things and create a lifestyle for themselves that is authentically true to themselves.
Well, Charlie, breakups are never easy and it's always much easier being on the outside than it is being the one going through it. But you did learn a crucial lesson of free will and decision making. You saw first-hand how a simple change in attitude and mental thinking can lead to astonishing results. If Ed hadn't had the courage to take full responsibility and make the best of the situation, he may have missed out on all the progress he made. Progress that was only possible from analysing the situation, accepting the situation and converting his lemon into a lemonade.
If both of them had given in to despair and hopelessness, they would suffer the constant pain of the past and would be going nowhere. Although taking full responsbility for the situation at hand is also hard, it is the key to our freedom. And the loss of freedom causes the deepest level of suffering for a human being.
Does Charly's story resonate with you? It certainly resonated with me, especially as I sometimes fall victim to a situation and hold onto bitter memories. We should all take a leaf out of Ed's book and regardless of the situation at hand, keep moving forward. After all, isn't this what life really means?
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