Sanju Gupta, an accountant from London was ecstatic to find out he had been accepted onto the graduate scheme of a prestigious institution. He had wanted to work for this particular company since he started university. However, his high morale and excitement were soon shattered as he began to feel isolated by his team and didn't know what went wrong. This is the story of how Sanju became grounded by practising acceptance, but not how we've seen it before – in his own words.
During my studies at university, my assumption of accountancy being my ideal career path was validated as I really loved the course I was doing. During a careers fair, I was inspired by a particular company as they had amazing opportunities, in addition to the highest salaries in the sector. Upon graduation, I was informed that I had passed the interviews and secured a place at the company – I was on cloud 9.
The first few months went well. I engaged with the team and other colleagues, and I felt at home. However, I started noticing that my team always went to lunch together and never asked me. In addition, they usually went out for drinks after work around London, spoke about it fondly the next day and gave me the cold shoulder. This did not impact me at first but as the weeks rolled into months, I noticed this behaviour becoming more evident. One thing that rubbed me the wrong way was when a fellow teammate told me about how my manager was speaking ill of me as soon as I left the office Christmas party. This not only created hatred, resentment and made me not want to perform for the team, being isolated and treated differently on a day to day basis made me not want to work there. The final nail in the coffin for me was when two of my friends from my home area told me about what my manager had said about me as they had mutual friends – a total shock as I didn't realise how big this backchat was getting. I couldn't fathom why such senior staff members were bullying me like this. It may have been fun and games for them but this abuse of authority was negatively impactful to me.
A terribly emotionally exhausting situation indeed. However, my attitude suddenly changed as soon as I read a simple mother goose rhyme. Something so simple yet so impactful, here it is below:
For every ailment under the sun,
There is a remedy or there is none.
If there be one try to find it;
If there be none, never mind it.
- Mother Goose
In an instant I had realised, it is foolish of me to worry about things that are not under my direct control. The behaviours and choices of others are not dictated by me, so if I cannot handle an event, I should let it handle itself. I realised I was deeply entangled which enslaved me, made me a victim of others, and made me feel helpless.
Did this new attitude of acceptance change the behaviour of my team at work? No, it did not, but it certainly calmed me down. Going forward I set a personal rule for myself, a go-to mantra if you like. Here it is I'll share it below:
"If I can do something about a situation I spit on my hands and get to work, but if I cannot I simply forget it and leave it in the laps of the gods. If i cannot solve a problem, I will let it solve itself."
To remember this golden rule, I often ask myself this question whenever someone disturbs me,
"if a monkey starts dancing, should I be offended?" Now, this question may sound rather silly and irrelevant, but just hear me out. If I were to walk down the street and a monkey appears from a tree and starts dancing, is the behaviour of the monkey a reflection of me? It isn't, and no one can really dictate the behaviour of that monkey, and if I could why would I? This irrational behaviour has nothing to do with me, so why let it bother me? Why would I allow something not in my power to turn my days and nights into a torturous hell? Never again I thought, never again!
This happened many years ago and I am now 30, but I learnt a highly valuable lesson. Whenever I come across a situation that is not under my control now or a person's behaviour disturbs me, I picture a dancing monkey. If the monkey wants to dance, let it!
Well done Sanju, I have never heard of anyone becoming so bulletproof when it comes to the poor behaviours of others like you have. The realisation of the behaviours of others not being under your control, and therefore not worth worrying about is profound – not to mention the liberation that comes in light of this perspective. Well, I am glad to say that I have taken a leaf out of Sanju's book by applying his golden rule of letting the monkey dance. I am much more confident in social interactions or when making cold communication (calls, emails and drop-ins) as, if I receive a negative reaction, it is not a reflection on me but on them. My job is to do the best I can and then accept what happens thereafter – come what may. And if something negative is to happen, I simply let the monkey dance.
Perhaps we should all let the monkeys of the world dance when we come across them, perhaps we should even play them music and cheer them on! This perspective not only instils confidence in us but makes us not even want to turn our heads if we are called any, or all the colourful words under the sun. Remember, you will never have control of the outside world – the only control you will have is how you react.
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