Friend
noun
A person attached to another by feelings of affection or personal regard. [1]
A person who gives assistance. [1]
A person who is on good terms with another. [1]
"An individual who wants the best for you and will assist you when required. You are able to be completely yourself around them, as you not only accept each other's uniqueness but celebrate it." - Self-Mastery
"A relationship built on a high level of empathy." – Self-Mastery
Is it just me or friends are not what they used to be? I remember growing up and it was a much simpler time. Everyone would be excited to meet up and do things together, but somewhere along the lines, things changed. Have people become less genuine? Or are they less interested? Is chivalry really dead?
The Harvard men's study has clearly shown that people and relationships give our lives meaning. Above genetics, if we are to live a long and happy life, this will come from a meaningful community in which we surround ourselves. During the coronavirus lockdown, this could not have been made more clear. [2]
FOMO: Fear of Missing Out
noun
The feeling or perception that others are having more fun, living better lives, or experiencing better things than you are. It involves a deep sense of envy and affects self-esteem. It is often exacerbated by social media sites like Instagram and Facebook [3].
FOMO is not just the sense that there might be better things that you could be doing at this moment, but it is the feeling that you are missing out on something fundamentally important that others are experiencing right now [3].
FOMO can cause a high degree of stress, low self-esteem and thinking your life is less than someone else's due to comparison. The good news is, however, that there are ways to not let FOMO leave a scratch on you. Three easy to use methods are given below:
Method 1: Write down how you are feeling and why. Then, write down what the worst-case scenario can now be. Accept the worst-case scenario and find solutions to your situation. One solution could be to join meetup.com and get involved with people from your local area who share the same interests as you. There's a reason why there are 58 million users of this tool and counting! This will not only make you realise how abundant the world is with people, activities and diversity, but you will make real connections in real life. For more information on this method, see the following blog: A Quick Way to Resolve Your Worry Problems.
Method 2: "Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% what you do about it" is one of the most powerful quotes which prevents an individual from falling into a victim mindset. You may not always have control over what happens, but you have total control and freedom to choose what you do about it going forward. If you feel you have a lack of social activities, community or fun, you have the freedom to convert this lemon into lemonade. Take this as a challenge and you will become a better version of yourself. For more information on this method, see the following blog: Don't Sweat The Small Stuff.
Method 3: It is easy to fall into the mindset that the grass is greener on the other side. This happens to all of us as we compare ourselves to others and in the modern age of social media, more than ever are we vulnerable to this behaviour. To combat this, just remember that at any one time, 10% of your life will not be going to plan but the other 90% is all well and good. Therefore, the only thing required is a simple shift in mental attitude. Going from thinking of what you don't have, to having gratitude for the things you do have. Make it a ritual to openly have gratitude for the things you have. This could be anything, for instance: eyesight and the ability to observe the beauty of the world, ears and the ability to hear music, taste and the freedom to explore all the cuisines the world has to offer, the safety to go anywhere and enjoy the sunshine in the park, or even go to a new bar or pub and start a conversation with a complete stranger. Either way, the world was always and will always be open to you!
"I had the blues because I had no shoes until upon the street, I met a man who had no feet." – Denis Waitley
We must remember that it is not the quantity but the quality of friends we have that matters.
"My circle of friends is smaller than a dot." - Mozzy
Loneliness is not the absence of people, it is the inability to share and connect with people at a deep level. Therefore, being proactive in seeking and making new connections with people who share similar values and lifestyle choices may be the best thing you ever decide to do.
"I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” - Robin Williams.
Exercise: FOMO can be triggered by anything, for instance, seeing a group picture on social media, hearing about an event you missed or not being asked to join an activity. Either way, it can leave you feeling helpless and envious with low self-esteem.
When was the last time you felt FOMO?
Can you catch yourself before falling into the FOMO trap?
The next time you feel FOMO, what process will you follow in order to quickly snap out of that mind frame?
Takeaway: If you ever experience FOMO, just ask yourself: Do I have common interests and patterns with these people? If not, why would I want to be friends with them? Am I feeling FOMO because I feel I should have been there or simply because I feel like something other than what I am currently doing must be better? If you do not wish to invest your time in cultivating relationships with these people, you cannot have FOMO.
So what is the solution if someone does feel lonely, or feels like they have a lack of friends or a lack of real friends? Is there a way to overcome this? Well, I am glad to say there is, and the solution is rather simple. What one should aim towards is cultivating a friendship that one wishes to nurture, as one diamond in your life is priceless. Cultivate what is referred to as a 4 am friend. [4]
A 4 am Friend
As we get older, it seems that it is natural to have far fewer friends. However, this is simply not true. The older we get, the more we learn of the things this world can offer, and the more particular we get with the things we wish to do in our short lifetimes. Therefore, people surround themselves with those of common interests and seasons. Although practical, we should not only surround ourselves with those of common interests but cultivate 4 am friends.
A 4 am friend is what we will now refer to as a real friend, or a root friend (more on this later). Question: Do you have anyone in mind that you can call at 4 am in order to share your concerns? If so, well done – you have friendship nailed! When I mean concerns, I do not mean an emergency. I mean things that are festering in your mind. For instance, that doctor's appointment you are anxious about, your relationships at work being sour, feeling lost and under pressure, or just not feeling like yourself. If you have someone that will be there for you at 4 am to discuss this, congratulations, you have a 4 am friend!
Don't you just hate it when people say "I would always be there if you needed me in an emergency", and then they use this as a justification for why they have not been a great friend to you? Well, this behaviour stems from narcissism and ego and in all honesty, in a real emergency, most strangers from the street would come to you for assistance. It is important to not invest much time into these kinds of people as your relationship with them will not be a two-way street.
Close and deep relationships are the goal here, not appealing to the masses and having all your acquaintances like you. It is also imperative to not manage too many surface relationships and cultivate 4 am friends. But how much time does it usually take to form these kinds of 4 am friends? Well, believe it or not, there has been a lot of research carried out about this. It has been found that "casual friendships emerge around 30 hr, followed by friendships around 50 hr. Good friendships begin to emerge after 140 hr. Best friendships do not emerge until after 300 hr of time spent". [5]
"Build your network before you need one." – Andrew Sobel
This is not only applicable for the corporate world, it is essential to have strong, healthy and deep relationships as early on in your life as possible. It has been found that men in particular struggle to make friends after their 30s and 40s. A simple walk with a friend may be the healthiest thing you can do for yourself and your family. This becomes apparent when studies have shown that walking a mile a day decreases your chances of dementia by 50%, in addition to reducing the risk of Alzheimer's significantly too. [6]
The Friendship Tree
As an analogue, we will use 3 fundamental parts of a tree to help explain friendships. These are the leaves, branches and roots. Using a tree will make it less personal as in reality it really isn't personal, although sometimes it may seem like it is.
Leaves: A tree is covered with hundreds of leaves but when the seasons change, most to all the leaves fall off and die. However, when spring comes again next year, a completely new set of leaves cover the tree. These are what we will refer to as seasonal friends. They will come and go, and that is okay. It's a completely natural process and is therefore not personal. These kinds of friends include people you meet at your local social events, gyms, colleagues and places you visit regularly for a limited time.
Branches: Branches stay longer and appear stronger, but they sometimes break off when either the branch or the tree can no longer handle its weight. This happens for numerous reasons, such as your friend not being able to adapt to a lifestyle change you've made, as it makes them think of the changes they are not making. For example, if you have a group of friends that you used to meet at the pub, but during the lockdown, you've gotten into a new habit of working out and meditating. This may result in you not wanting to go out drinking at the pub anymore. You may want to start hiking, cycling or attending a yoga class. Although this is admirable as it has brought a positive change into your life, it will remind your friends that their lifestyle of drinking is not beneficial. As you have now separated yourself from them, the reason for the friendship may not be entirely clear anymore. These kinds of friends include your children's friends parents you have meetups with, people you used to be on the same project with and long time friends that you no longer share values with.
Roots: The root is the strongest part of the tree. Regardless of whether the leaves or the branches stay, the roots, albeit invisible are always present. Your root friends are your 4 am friends. And the strangest thing about your roots friends is that you probably do not even speak to them that often, or live anywhere near them. But whenever you meet or speak, it is like nothing has changed and you are as good as ever.
So what is the takeaway message here? The takeaway here is to invest your time in cultivating a stronger relationship with your root friends. Never dwell on the leaves or broken branches that lay on the floor, they are of no use to you.
“You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened... or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move on.” – Tupac Shakur
To summarise, the three main takeaways are given below:
Takeaway 1: Filter your friendships. Who are the leaves, roots and branches? This will put everything in perspective. All the relationships and people that have come and gone will no longer seem personal. This is a natural process that everyone goes through. It has been found that friendship circles usually change every 7 years.
Takeaway 2: Deepen the relationships with your 4 am friends. Take small steps to strengthen your relationships as this is an investment. Reaching out to someone once every 2-weeks is enough to maintain a strong genuine relationship with someone. It is thought that 300 hours of time with someone is enough to make them your best friend. If you are thinking that no one calls you, invites you out or would do the same for you, ask yourself: "When was the last time you planned a meetup? Or created a social club for people with similar interests? Or planned an evening full of activities?" As a life principle, you must give, give and give before you receive. You will be the bigger person for it, with the recipient of your attention being highly appreciative of you making the first move for years to come. This also shows you are taking control of your life which will increase your self-confidence while removing any victim mindset you may have.
Takeaway 3: Do unto yourself what you do unto others. When was the last time you explored your own passions, interests and capabilities? When was the last time you took a nature walk, read a book or devoted some time to serving the less fortunate? Be your own best friend first, love yourself first.
Remember, counting the number of friends you have should never be the focus because you only need one 4 am friend.
"Root friends never judge, they can see you at your worst and still think of you as the best." – Mel Robbins
References
Search: Friend, www.dictionary.com – Link
TEDxBeaconStreet, Robert Waldinger (2015), What makes a good life? Lessons from the longest study on happiness – Link
Elizabeth Scott PhD, Very Well Mind, How to Deal With FOMO in Your Life: The Origin of FOMO and How It Affects Our Health – Link
Audible, Start Here with Mel Robbins, Episode 2: Friendship – Link
Jeffrey A. Hall, SAGE Journals, How many hours does it take to make a friend? – Link
WebMD, Charlene Laino, Walking May Cut Alzheimer's Risk – Link
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