Anger
noun
A strong feeling of displeasure and usually of antagonism. [1]
Anger is a very powerful emotion that can stem from feelings of frustration, hurt, annoyance, or disappointment. It is a normal human emotion that can range from slight irritation to strong rage. [3]
"Holding hostile feelings towards people, situations or oneself, as a result of an undesirable outcome or meaning. These feelings may cause us to act differently than we would usually, perhaps to inflict injury." - Self-Mastery
Dale Carnegie, in his book "How to Stop Worrying and Start Living" [2], shares a story of how grizzly bears can kill any predator in their area except the Kodiak bear and the buffalo. However, there is another animal that it avoids as it does not wish to get anywhere near it. A small predator that couldn't really defend itself if it came to it. An animal so small, it actually forages for food while most animals and humans are asleep. Who am I talking about? The skunk of course! But why would a Grizzly bear not want to get involved with a skunk? Will it not make a tasty snack? Perhaps, but the Grizzly bear has learnt from painful experience that "it does not pay to stir up a skunk". We have all had the unfortunate displeasure of encountering a skunk, whether it be in our friendships circles, families, colleagues at work or a wretched person at the grocery store. But, it never pays to stir them up further as we only make things worse for ourselves.
"You will never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks.” – Winston S. Churchill
Anger has the ability to ruin our peace of mind, keep us up at night and age us profoundly. And if someone wanted to cause you harm, nothing would give them more satisfaction than to know they had the ability to create mental suffering for you without even doing much. Wouldn't you say this is the ultimate slavery?
Anger, resentment and vengefulness is the worst kind of slavery one could be under. How you may ask? Well, let's take an example. Let's suppose you are happily sitting at your desk in the office on a Friday afternoon, ready for the weekend to begin. Your thoughts are about the fun activities you have planned with your best friends. Now, imagine you see a colleague you despise walk to the coffee machine and walk back to their desk, not even realising you were in that room. Your mood changes, you are now angry, bitter, resentful and full of toxic emotions. Would you not say that the colleague you despise is the master of your emotions? And to make matters worse, that individual not only has total control but does not even realise the extent of the control that person has over you.
"He is a fool who cannot be angry; but he is a wise man who will not." – English Proverb
"Sticks and stones may break my bones; But names will never harm me."
Exercise: How would you think your enemies would feel if they knew they were making you tired, worried, anxious, bitter, unhealthy, ruining your appearance and shortening your life? Are holding these emotions worth punishing yourself?
The Best Revenge Is Massive Success – Frank Sinatra
One of the most respected gurus or mystics of our generation is Sadhguru. This is his advice on how to deal with anger and how anger can be used as a tool for destruction or constructive action. For more information on Sadhguru, please visit his website. [7]
"Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned." – Buddha
"Heat not a furnace for your foe so hot that it do singe yourself." – William Shakespeare
I agree wholeheartedly with the Buddha and William Shakespeare. When we feel wronged it is natural to seek revenge, but we hurt ourselves more in the process. This may surprise you, but many health consequences are associated with anger and resentment. For instance, suppressed anger can be an underlying cause of anxiety and depression. Long term anger is directly related to high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders, and digestive problems. In addition, anger is linked to problems such as crime, emotional and physical abuse, and other violent behaviour [3].
"You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger." – Buddha
One of the best remedies for anger is to start the inward journey of self-realisation. Once we understand or have a clearer idea of our true passions, interests and purpose, we are less likely to be impacted by trivial matters. This is because we will be too absorbed in our purpose, activities and goals. This is the key reason why those who work in research fields and laboratories lead lives of low stress and anxiety. They are simply too absorbed in their chosen field of passion and exploration to invest their time, energy and other resources in matters that are not in line with their goals.
"I am too busy with my cause to hate too absorbed in something bigger than myself. I have no time to quarrel, no time for regrets and no man can force me to stoop low enough to hate him." – Lawrence James
"That’s why Jesus says, “Love your enemies.” Because if you hate your enemies, you have no way to redeem and to transform your enemies. But if you love your enemies, you will discover that at the very root of love is the power of redemption." – Martin Luther King Jr.
"Love your enemies because they bring out the best in you." – Friedrich Nietzsche
Now, we may not be saintly enough to thank our enemies and wish them well, but we are strong enough, smart enough and more than capable of forgiving them and forgetting them. Eradicating the need for trying to get even with them. We're all humans, therefore we are capable of imperfect actions and coming across undesirably. Just like those who have hurt us, we may have also acted in a way that has negatively impacted others in the same, if not, worse way.
"In the long run, every man will pay the penalty for his own misdeeds. The man who remembers this will be angry with no one, indignant with no one, revile no one, blame no one, offend no one, hate no one.” – Epictetus
“There’s a natural law of karma that vindictive people, who go out of their way to hurt others, will end up broke and alone.” – Sylvester Stallone
Exercise: Can you remember a time when you practised forgiveness? Write down what the other person did to invoke anger or resentment within you, and why you forgave. How did you feel before and after forgiving?
Restorative justice brings the victims and perpetrators of crimes together, so they can communicate and gain a mutual understanding. This plays a huge role in repairing the harm caused by these crimes. This is not only used in situations of crime, but in schools, child services, workplaces, hospitals and communities. This practice of empathy and understanding – where each person is coming from prevents future cases of harm occurring as those involved are more conscious of the consequences of their actions. This also leads to a joint solution where the feelings of all involved are taken into consideration.
A well-known case where Restorative Justice was practised was when Ken Marslew confronted the killer of his son during an armed robbery. His son Michael was only a university student. When Ken was asked how could he forgive the killer of his son, he said "I had to, I had no choice, the anger would have killed me, it would have eaten me to death". Enough is Enough was formed in 1994 by Ken Marslew following the tragic and violent murder of his son. From this tragic beginning, the seeds of hope were planted in the organisation’s mission to reform society’s attitudes to violence. Enough is Enough works with individuals and groups to encourage them to take personal responsibility for their actions and aims to promote violence prevention strategies in society as a whole. [4]
If Ken Marslew can forgive the killer of his son in order to relieve himself from the vice-like grip of anger, resentment and vengeance to find peace, health and move on, why should we for one second hold any anger, resentment and bitterness towards those who have insulted us, spoken behind our backs, double-crossed or have cheated us? Is it really worth sacrificing anxiety, depression, high blood pressure, heart problems, headaches, skin disorders, and digestive problems? Why jeopardise our future for a few negative experiences in the past?
Below is a model of how Restorative Practice can take place, perhaps it is needed in your home, work or the community?
Exercise: What thoughts and feelings of anger, resentment and vengeance are you holding within yourself? Next to each thought, write down if it is worth giving power over your health, happiness, appearance and future to those who wronged you. In comparison to all those who have lost life and limb, friends and family members over matters such as an armed robbery or politics, how grievous is your case? Are you able to move on from what has happened in the past? Are you ready to let go and set yourself free?
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you." – Lewis B. Smedes
When we forgive, we do not have to feel better right away. Forgiveness does not mean the wrongful actions of others were agreeable, we are merely practising one of the most fundamental yet powerful practices of wisdom – acceptance.
"To be wronged or robbed is nothing unless you continue to remember it." – Confucius
“I’m going to be meeting with people today who talk too much – people who are selfish, egotistical, ungrateful. But I won’t be surprised or disturbed, for I can’t imagine a world without such people.” – Marcus Aurelius
"The greatest remedy for anger is delay." – Lucius Annaeus Seneca
"When anger rises, think of the consequences." – Confucius
Exercise: Use this exercise whenever you feel angry, bitter or resentful. Whenever uneasiness creeps in, all that is required is a simple change in perspective.
Clearly write down what it is that you are angry about.
Write down the worst-case scenario that can possibly happen.
Accept this worst-case scenario as a reality.
Devote all your time going forward in making the situation better. This will plant a seed for growth and for you to move forward. We have all been in situations where we feel wronged but these instances are likely during the span of our whole lifetime. Just like being in the right place at the right time where you met your partner, bought that bargain jacket that you love or got the job you desired out of the blue. We must remember to take the rough with the smooth.
Forgive everything and everyone before you go to bed each night. This daily ritual will make forgiveness a habit and you will notice you will move past undesirable events much quickly, feeling nearly invincible.
"Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace." – Mel Robbins
"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” – Lewis B. Smedes
Dr Kristin Neff has a model to cultivate empathy for others and self-compassion. The model has three steps, as given below: [5] [6]
Mindfulness: This is the act of non-judgemental observation with curiosity. Ask yourself, what are you feeling or thinking? Remember, our life is what our thoughts make it. The concept of good and bad in essence do not actually exist, it's up to our perspective.
Self-kindness: Treat yourself how you would treat someone you love. Often we say and treat ourselves in ways which we could never imagine treating others. As the saying goes, "do unto yourself what you would do unto others".
Connectedness: No matter what situation you encounter, you will never be the first or last person to ever go through it. Most problems you will face will be universal. Therefore, it is crucial to remember that nothing is ever personal to you – we all have times where we encounter negative events and just like the days and storms that have passed and time forgot, this too shall pass.
Take away: Happy people do not go around making people unhappy. The way a person treats you is an extension of how they treat themselves. Their mental habits or personality have been crafted by circumstances, environments, education, and experiences. If we had the same experiences they had, we perhaps would have been the same. If life had done to us what it has done to those who hurt us, we would have also been mentally wired the same way. We would act as they do, think as they do and have the same beliefs as they do. Instead of hating those who hurt us, let's hope that one day they too find the light and knowledge that we have, in order to live a life of bliss and happiness. Let's never give others permission to control our mental, emotional, physical and spiritual state. Let's cultivate the strength of empathy, sympathy, forgiveness and the ability to not allow the past to hold us back. We all know many people who have jeopardised decades of their lives as a result of the inability to move on from the past. When we move forward now, we will not be moving forward empty-handed, we will now be moving forward with experience. Remember, having the ability to empathise, forgive and take full responsibility for the cards we are all dealt in life is at its core, the mindset of the worlds greatest achievers. With this principle in mind, life cannot leave a scratch on you – a limitless state indeed. But most of all, when you forgive others, you forgive yourself and reclaim your freedom.
"Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much." – Oscar Wilde
References
Merriam Webster: Anger [1].
Carnegie, Dale (1953). How to Stop Worrying and Start Living. pp. 142 – 143. ISBN 978-0-74-930723-3
Blog: Men and Anger Management [3]
Website: Enough is Enough [4]
Website: Dr Kristin Neff, SELF-COMPASSION [5]
Audiobook: Habits for Happiness: 10 Daily Steps for Living Your Happiest Life, Dr Tim Sharp, Episode. 10: Forgive Others (and Yourself) [6]
Website: Isha Foundation [7]
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